I ate breakfast in the bathtub just now. It is late morning and a rain is gently warding me inside. The trees and the shrubs and all their underlings are really the best listeners. Pity to have to drive to most of them now, and I have never been too good at waiting, wrapping and enriching myself in the true cyclical way of time. I see it down the line, I know it is my future, existing present as well and boy do I feel blind. I am a city girl, an urban legend now. (cant breathe) Nothing too prim and posh, but at least a few blocks until I can touch real grass. Not even last week I blessed this! True ambivalence and a youngsters (Him and I both)dream living.
Thursday I shall forage, and every day I do get better at reading my needs (heeding them most off.) Tending to my garden. I tend to pour outward, almost to no good. There is something about the pull of this bleed, it drives me to bed. I am witnessing the wildness of my becoming. The great sensations and power of my body, like I had envisioned as a child. When you are young, everything evolves from the inside. Participation, or proof of our distinctive energetic power begs to seep out before our eyes. Into material realm, if only we could confirm it, and a child becomes obsessed. Our focus, our identify become a gaze on the outer.
Shift again to my simmering adulthood – I feel far off. Though I have always brushed my ego well, it is the outer, the world and of it am I, witnessing a deep call to the inner, the One. I see the world live this way in large. Not our Mother, not the Sun and Moon, but the people stewing about down the streets. I look myself in the mirror as if I am not also the whole room. My focus now to the child or the root of myself I left sitting on the porch. I know I am young to feel this already. Funny, this shift between the two, both rushing in opposite directions toward union.
In the bathtub I shed a few tears in mourning of sunrise and sunset spilling into my door. I wake up in love. The world is here but still far away. With all the concrete, I stare at my phone more, I hold my breath more.
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