Felling

The tree is coming down tonight

All ornaments off

Even the cranberries

But it is the lights that linger

I can’t help it

What will go there

Or brighten the room

What will fill the void in the window

Between the records and the chair

Can I bear it stay empty

Sit in the discomfort of the darkened house

No one home and no tree lit to welcome

I dance to old music and avoid looking 

In its direction, avoid decision 

Inevitable, it is dying 

Have mercy, Christ, but it is really 

The perfect tree.

For a few weeks I smiled each time I strode by

And for several more I avoided it like plague

Embarrassed and mournful in its sight

It is an odd gift to give myself

The gift of a beautiful thing you know won’t last

A beautiful thing that is dying in your hands

A thing I did not need to kill but had to in fact

It’s made a mess of the whole room

And it hasn’t even begun to shed needles.

Tonight I sit in the soft light like a lonely child

Trying to remember, trying to hold it all here before it goes away

Just shy of one year from now

More lights, a new tree

I will smile again and mean it