Dear God, what am I to do with this longing? I want it to be him, I want him to capture me and never release me back to the listless realm I walk. I want him to take me in and care for me, to watch over me and check in with me as if I were a wounded dove. Dear Lord I have been so lonely in this life, in ways I fear a woman should never be lonely. I cannot imagine the passage of his own life, years spent in solitude praying to the heavens for proof beyond. Here I am, is it not me, O Lord, that you have sent to quell his suffering? To aid in his journey and support him faithfully to the end?
If not Your will, free me, Dear Lord, for I find myself unable to cope. I turn to You, seek refuge in Your Holy Spirit, and still am not able to settle my unrest. Lord, as I hope, if he is from You, make that clear. My heart aches at the thought of a passing day without his glance and guidance, without his earnest protection. Lord, I have done this alone for so long and I continue to falter. My youth precedes me, it is a long, sloping and dark hallway. You know better than all my lonely trials. I pray. In his grace, in his guidance I know true safety in a way I have never known before. Lord, I pray to you with soaked cheeks and ruddy, swollen eyes, clarify the intent of his spirit and may You work across us both in all steps.
If you do not wish us to trek forward, rip the bandaid or fortify me with immaculate apathy. I am hear, bleeding fully and begging to let go. It is not a cloak I wear well, nor one I’d like to, nor one You advise, but dear Master, I cannot be subject to this suffering, not in the face of Your grace. Each other time it was a man not concieved of Your spirit and wisdom. But from him, O Lord, You trickle like oil. Do not let me know him as I have began to if it is all to be ripped away. I am a mad mess over here, can You not see? I am disheveled and unwitted. Let Your love cascade and silence the heaves of my soul. Candlelight morning and night, may You not lead me to suffer so.
Dear Lord, forgive the rampage of my aching heart. I know not the thoughts of his mind, nor the will of Yours, though I know you move lovingly towards a life of mine in You. Thank You, and Amen for Your patience. I know not how to weather this all, but in prayer I turn to You, thank You, and let tomorrow be soft-winded and clear.
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